Alaskan Malamute Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine
3. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
4. If I can take it from you, it's mine
5. If it's mine, it must never be yours
6. If it just looks like mine, it's mine
7. If I saw it first, its mine
8. If you are playing with something else and put it down, it's mine
9. If I am chewing something up, all of the pieces are mine
10. If it used to be yours, get over it
11. If it's broken, it's yours

The Top 20 Reasons Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

-- Source: David Letterman Show

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows XP.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that JPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Dogmore Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

From a Malamute's Daily Diary:

8:00 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
9:30 am Oh Boy! A Car Ride! My Favourite!
9:40 am Oh Boy! A Walk! My Favourite!
10:30 am Oh Boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My Favourite!
11:30 am Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
Noon Oh Boy! The Kids! My Favourite!
1:00 pm Oh Boy! The Yard! My Favourite!
4:00 pm Oh Boy! To the Park! My Favourite!
5:00 pm Oh Boy! Dog Food! My Favourite!
5:30 pm Oh Boy! Pretty Mums! My Favourite!
6:00 pm Oh Boy! Playing Ball! My Favourite!
6:30 pm Oh Boy! Watching TV with my Master! My favourite!
8:30 pm Oh Boy! Sleeping in Master's Bed! My Favourite!

From a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell of food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

Shakespeare - A Dog Fancier's Guide To Shakespeare

Rules for the Alaskan Malamute

MALAMUTE DICTIONARY

• LEASH:
  A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

• DOG BED:
  Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

• DROOL:
  Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

• SNIFF:
  A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

• DUSTBIN:
  A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off or up with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine tubs to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

• BICYCLES:
  Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

• DEAFNESS:
  This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

• THUNDER:
  This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

• WASTE PAPER BIN:
  This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old sweet wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the bin and strew the papers all over the house until your owner comes home.

• SOFAS:
  Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

• BATH:
  This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

• LEAN:
  Every good dogs response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

• BUMP:
  The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

• GOOSE BUMP:
  A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

• LOVE:
  Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.

Malamute Rules

• Visitors:
  Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

• Barking:
  Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark... a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earring your protective bark, bark, bark…

• Licking:
  Always take a BIG from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

• Holes:
  Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

• Doors:
  The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to .

• The Art of Sniffing:
  Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

• Dining Etiquette:
  Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

• Housebreaking:
  Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

• Going for walks:
  Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

• Couches:
  It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

• Playing:
  If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

• Chasing Cats:
  When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

• Chewing:
  Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

Letter to master of the house.

To: Master of house.
From: Dog.
Subject: Cat.

Master.
The cat is despicable. she doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. we need to face facts Its time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cats arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. you would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.

Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table! actually physically walk on the table! you don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that, the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab- and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? why do you get so mad? as long as the pet food is going to the pets, isnt that what's important.

Then there playtime, I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog. descending from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose.

Speaking of sanitation, do you realise that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. what are we going to say if some woman brings in her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster

  To: The master of the house.
  From the Hamster.
  Subject cat.

  Please tell the cat to stop staring at me while I work.
  -signed, Hamster, department of rodent wheels.

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed on the bed and I am not. I am more cuddly than the stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be signs of tuberculosis. And why does'ntm she ever bath? she smell like saliva from licking her paws-you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in roadkill, yet you give me baths all the time.

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it. but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin, I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was No1 pet.

Yours truly.

The Dog.

Things I MUST remember as a dog:

• The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

• I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

• I will not throw up in the car.

• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

• "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tastie, are not food.

• I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

• I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad's laps.

• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

• I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

• I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

• I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.

• Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

• I will not pee on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

• I will not in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

• I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

• The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

• I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

• Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

• The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

To: GOD: From: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there postmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

• I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

• I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

• The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

• The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

• I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

• Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello“.

• I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

• I will not throw up in the car.

• I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

• I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

• The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions . . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may i please have my testicles back?